I am starting to realize how much and how many people I have left behind in my life and I start to feel bad about it.

But then I think about it. Why should I feel bad when what I have in my life now is more than enough to keep me happy.

I have been trying to be happy for a while and I don't think that being happy is supposed to be something to try for.

Why do I figure all of this out just when I am about to leave and have my life turned upside down again?

I hope it stays looking up. I don't think having it crash down would work for my advantage.

I found my twin. Someone who thinks like me and acts like me. And now I am leaving. Go Figure.

I feel so alone sometimes.

Do you ever realize that at the worst times in your life (or at least in your head) all you want is someone to talk to, but you don’t want it to be just anyone? Those people or that person that you want to talk to never seems to be there when you are looking. That the people you do not care to hear from come along right at that moment getting your hopes up because you got a text and you really want it to be someone else but you have to go through the same drowning day to day talk because you do not want to talk to them about what’s wrong. How what is wrong is really only in your head but it is all you can seem to think about and it is starting to blur into reality.

Have you ever sent out a text just being like 'Hey what’s up' waiting for someone to answer but they never do. Ever had that sinking feeling that the people you long to call your best friends do not think the same about you. That all you want to do is hang out with them but it’s impossible to do when no one invites you. When people say 'I will call you later' and then forget or choose not to for some reason or another. Don’t get me wrong I have done this before along with everyone else, but everyone thinks that their reasoning is justified, but what if that call was exactly what I needed to know what someone cared enough to try. What if I have hurt people the same way I feel hurt?

Do you ever notice that when you meet new people that they become your favorite people to be around and talk to? Is this because they are new people and it gives me a chance to get to know them or do they eventually become like all other people in my life? Where some I still really want around while others I don’t know what to do about, but they drive me crazy. Ever have that nagging feeling like you need more or new friends or to find people who are more like you. What if you think you find people like you, but they appear different when they are around people so there is no way to be sure if they are who you are looking for or not?

Have you ever tried to get all of your friends together only to realize that there are groups of people who do not get along with other groups? How you will never be able to hang out with all of your friends together because too many of them do not get along because of many different reasons. Or realized that you can invite them all together but then it would be just as easy for them if you were not there because your friends are more entertaining? Every feel like the invisible man in a room full of people.

Ever notice how when you try to do something good for yourself you feel as if you are hurting those around you, but when you try and just go with the flow then you get left behind or hurt worse. How being left behind becomes something like a second nature to because being second to other people is a part of life. There are always people who are more beautiful or more outgoing or funny and they are always the ones people invite places first or they are the ones that they really want to come but I am on the side there so I get an invite thrown my way too. For a while I was getting over this feeling until it came crashing back to me and it’s the hardest one for me. Always feeling second best.

Ever had person after person ask you if you were alright when there was nothing wrong, but when there is something wrong no one seems to take notice? I am a quiet person and I can’t help that unless I am around people who are quieter than me or close to me then I am just not going to be loud and outgoing like most people. It does not mean that something is wrong, only that I am watching people and learning about them so that I can get to know them better. I like to think of myself as an observant person and that’s how I learn about what’s really going on and what people are really thinking is through what they do and say. If something is wrong odds are I will ditch out early or I will not show at all but claim that something came up or I already had plans.

I used to be so close with my family and they have been really good about just letting me be and stay out late and stuff, but lately I can barely stand to be around them anymore. My mother used to be my best friend and I could tell her anything, but it’s just not the same anymore. I don’t know what it is but I see these glances from her like she is judging me and not finding me good enough. I try and spend time with both my mom and my dad so that I do see them sometimes, but lately it never ends up very well for me. My dad acts like he knows everything and I know nothing so everything we talk about turns into a lecture about this or that and all I do is sit there and grind my teeth so I don’t blow up at him. They try but I don’t think that they realize how bad I need to get out of this house and stay out for a while. They keep slipping up and talking like I am going to be living at home for another year or so, but that was not a part of the deal and if I have to pay for everything myself, I am out of here by the end of the summer or they are out of here and the house is mine.

Ever been scared that maybe it’s not all in your head, but the worst thoughts you have about yourself are what others are thinking about you? Or even worse that it is all in your head, but you believe it. Does that mean there is something wrong with you? Cause I often wonder when I go through these fits if there is something wrong that has yet to be diagnosed. That maybe we are all alike and just don’t let others see what we are going through and deal with it in different ways by never being alone or putting on a show and being the funny guy or by trying to feel the truth by hurting oneself. Do we all fear things we can’t understand and just deal with it all differently?

I feel like there is something very large missing in my life. What if the thing missing is the one thing I don’t allow myself to have for fear of hurting others? The one thing that might be what I am missing and the one thing I have denied myself looking for the best one.

Do you ever wonder who people really are?

Yay for rants, but this is just something I needed to write out but with no particular aim or purpose... lol Enjoy...

So I am wondering why everything happens and if it is all for a reason. If it is all for a reason then why does it all happen at once? And is there anything you can do to stop it?

Why do I feel bad about so many things and then get so mad that I dont care anymore.

I feel like I am neglecting so many people but I dont know that I would have as much fun as I do with those I see all the time. I just dont know.

I love you all.